So a few days ago I had a brother, and now all of a sudden I don't. It's the weirdest feeling in the world. It seems like he's just on vacation. I keep thinking, "Oh, Jeremy would love that story!" or "I think I'll buy this for Jeremy--it's so him!" and then I realize that he's dead. It's so unreal.

I try not to think about it too much. Especially since I'm pregnant now. I need to find a home for the baby (it's a boy!) where I can still be in his life. I can't raise a child on my own, since I can barely take care of myself right now. Luckily, Jess is letting me stay with her. She says she doesn't want me out in the street with the baby, especially since it's so cold. I thank God for Jess every day. She's pretty much been my mother ever since my real mom died.

Also, I got a full scholarship to college. Thank God. There's no way I could have payed for it otherwise.

With all this stuff going on, things sort of feel like a dream. A dream where I'm really FAT. I can't wait to have this kid so I can be skinny again. GAH!!

So that's the update <33

Wednesday
Broken headlights reflect shallow light
Given off by flares,
Which whistle through the black;
"Stay away! There's danger here!"
But there's not a soul for miles.
The rain tears through my body
Like the sirens through the night
And I can feel someone lifting me
Asking if I can hear them.
I am the siren now;
Racing across abandoned roads,
Waking peaceful sleep.

Then,
Pain.
Voices.
White.
So much white
And confusion.

I can feel a brace on my neck
And I hear the steady beep
Beep
Beep
That means I am still alive.

Today
Lots of painkillers.
A call to my girlfriend.
Visitors.
And the strangest dream
I have ever had.

Kaela and Calli here! NOT KARRIE!!

hah. what evil.

Calli humped her way to the door today. i got it on video. it will be showing on youtube very soon, so i'll set up a link! it will be more popular than the star wars kid!!

aww. calli didn't know who the star wars kid was. thats so sad. i had to show her. puh. thet. ic. for sure.

so i dont really have anything to say. it took me like 10 minutes to figure out Karrie's new password. its a good one.

yep. time to go back to school work. or not. maybe ill just go sleep. yeah. i think so.

After lunch
I went looking for apartments
And marveling at the prices.
3 digits?! Per month?!
It's two rooms!
Half a kitchen, half a bedroom, and a bathroom!
There's not even any heat in it, for Christ's sake!
3 digits per month?!
In this town?!
Like anyone actually wants to live in Wintersville.
Yeah, right.

When I was done hitting my head off the wall,
I started studying for midterms.
AP English isn't so bad.
My guess: B-
AP Bio is actually really cool.
My guess: A-
Psychology = excellent
My guess: A+
Calculus is kicking my ass.
My guess: depressing
AP Civics is fascinating.
My guess: B+

For the record:
I'm just taking a break from studying.

Gah, who am I kidding?
I'm so done.

Dear Calli;
Quit Toys 'R' Us so you and I can BS all the time.
You haven't been online all weekend.

Yesterday
Started out a mess.
[see last entry]

But in the end
It all turned out okay.
The girl who told me my girlfriend was cheating
Is my girlfriend's ex.
Her name is Taize
And she's apparently bitter.
She doesn't even know Erica.
Only knows that at one point
K had a crush on this Erica girl.
So needless to say
She's not exactly a reliable source.

I figure I owe you this:
An apology;

I should have believed you
I should have trusted you
I should have known you would never cheat on me.
But instead
I believed the worst.
And for that I'm truly sorry.

But I'd rather give you this:
A love letter;

I listened to our song today
And cried like I always do.
I wish you could have been there.
Instead
You're a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty.

Forget Times Square.
The sun can't shine as bright as you.

If we were in a movie
This would be the part where I drive all night
To feel your warm embrace again.
Where you think it's over until you hear a knock at your door
And we make love
And it's beautiful
And everyone in the theatre cries with us.

But instead I'm sitting here in Wintersville Ohio
Writing you a love letter you'll never read.

Sometimes I wish we had a perfect big-screen ending
But that would make things so meaningless.
We wouldn't have to work at our love.
We would be together all the time.
And we would appreciate each other's company less for it.

So instead I'm sitting here in Wintersville Ohio
Singing you our song:

Now we're talking 'bout a difficult thing
And your eyes are getting wet
But I took us for better
And I took us for worse
And don't you ever forget it.